"and We have created you in pairs"
Al Qur'an 78:8
Un-healing wounds of verbal battles

by: Nisaar Nadiadwala

When you are fighting with your spouse aggressively in the presence of your children then you are wounding your children too. The psychological wounds on the minds of the children are the biggest injuries in a domestic warfare. Just like cities are devastated in battles by bombs, drones and missiles, even homes are devastated by abuses, slaps and kicks. A home is build by heart and it runs on confidence, morals, ethics, as well as kindness and care. Violence at home only brings down the infrastructure of the moral, confidence and love that took years to build the family bonds. Most of the children who have a history of experiencing domestic violence at home turn into bad performers, smokers, drinkers and violent at a very young age says ……..

A psychologist friend once narrated a case to me where a young boy, the only son of a warring parents, got into hostile fights in his school. His manners of raising hands against his class mates reflected his father's actions at home against his mother and his loud back replies to his teachers only reflected his mother's reaction when her husband hit her.

Household warfare erupt for different reasons in different parts of globe with exception of some phenomenal causes are common everywhere. The results are shattering. A family in US, I know, always fought in drawing rooms right before the children. Later, the warring couple observed the same types of fights between the brother and the sisters where even the dialogues were repeated. The children may carry the traits along in their future family and a hopeful happiness would end up as a sure break off. Fruits of past, at times get rotten in future.

Borrowing aggressive behaviour from modern warfare glamorously shown in movies in the name of adventure and thrill has made our homes a battle ground for open fights among spouses with vulgar verbal abuse, punches and slaps displayed with red eyes and loud voice right before the children. The impact keep echoing in their minds for the rest of their lives. Children imitate not only their parents but also their favourite actors. The tragedy is that we spend thousands of dollars on such entertainment that makes us more aggressive and our homes are turned into battle grounds.

Alcoholism may not be there in the Muslim community even in the West but intoxicated egos are the thickest layers on our hearts which prevents us from overlooking the faults of spouses and pardon them. Egos are actually the most dangerous ammunition which if kept constantly supplied can damage all the prospect of compromise. It fuels more fire in fights and provides more stamina to carry on the dispute. It defeats and overpowers even love. Many people try to prove their spouses wrong violently instead of proving themselves calmly right. Such marriages bump on a dead end suddenly.

When some warring couple point out the narration about a person going to Umar bin Khattab (ra) to complain about his wife he returned after discovering that even the Khalifa's wife was shouting at him, I tell them that there are two different lessons in this story, one for each, husband and wife. For the husband, if your wife shouts at you at times don't let it hurt your manly pride but take it as a pride that you allow her to shout, and for the wives, it means that just because Umar bin al Khattab's wife shouted at him that does not issue a license to you to keep on shouting every now and then. After all, nobody is perfect even the crookedness of the rib is supposed to be tolerated. If you want better out of your half then batter your own ego.