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Don't Impose Loneliness upon Yourself; Don't Die Before Your Death

by: Nisaar Nadiadwala

In the Western Society, it is a very common trend that children of divorced parents find it difficult to adapt a new mom into their hearts. When I studied the comments compiled in surveys, I found a few things that could be same even in Muslim post-second marriage scenario. One of the boys quoted, “I can’t tolerate another woman to sleep on my mother’s bed and use her wardrobe”. One of the laws of innocent possessiveness is, “I cannot share my mom or her possessions with anyone”.

A new wife can easily adjust in the house, but the ‘new mom’ needs to be accommodated in the heart. One fact remains to be digested is that a wife can be replaced but a mom cannot be. You can get a new wife but you can’t get a new mom for your children. All the characters participating in fixing up a second marriage need to settle this fact in their hearts. Yet the hope remains that the attachment of a stepmom with the children is not merely a daydream, but rather an achievable feat.

In spite of all this, you must take a second wife. This time you have a dual purpose. Besides your lonely heart, you need to have a compensation for your lonely children too. This will open up a new zone for you. The lady you will marry may also be a lonely heart and her children too may be coping with the wounds of their father’s departure. Nothing comforts like the solace from a fatherly or motherly love to a fatherless or a motherless child.

A stepmother for your child will not be an authoritarian who locks the refrigerator, carries a stick ordering the kids every now and then, and sends them down to the grocer's shop to buy her stuffs. She would not be nagging before your relatives about how naughty your kids are and how much she is trying to fix your kids; rather she would be appreciating them like her own kids. Many stepmoms have brought out wonderful results not only in terms of their upbringing of step kids but also in the upbringing of the emotional side of children.

Twenty years ago, my friend in Jeddah lost his wife to an accident on a highway. She left behind two young sons. Another lady, unmarried and a postgraduate, agreed to marry him for she had heard the virtues of upbringing orphans. Today, she has a son from the wedlock but her stepsons are more attached to her than to their own father. Few years ago, the man fell into an affair and blew away his wealth, beating his wife night after night. The stepsons interfered and stood up for their mother. It was a natural return of obligation towards the woman who married their father just to implement a hadith that touched the core of her heart. She got it back at the right time when she needed the most. As the Qur’an puts it in Surah Rahman, verse 60: Is the reward for good (anything) but good? 

Sahih Bukhari Volume 8, Book 73, Number 35- Narrated Safwan bin Salim (raa): The Prophet (pbuh) said, “The one who looks after and works for a widow and for a poor person, is like a warrior fighting for Allah's cause or like a person who fasts during the day and prays all night”.

One of the ways of looking after a widow and working for her is to marry her and spend on her and her children. It’s like rebuilding an uprooted family. It’s similar to filling empty homes with members and empty hearts with love, care and affection.

So remarry if you are a divorcee or a widower. Your life does not end with the end of your marriage nor do you die if your wife has died. Don’t impose loneliness upon yourself if Allah has given you options to marry at any age. Continue to live as long as Allah has given you life; don’t die before your death.