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MBH QnA Corner
Your Questions - December, 2017

I try my level best to maintain good relations with my mother-in-law and my sisters-in-law but on the other hand these two present my mistakes after magnifying and exaggerating my small errors before my husband trying to prove that I have committed big sins

My husband instead of dealing with them advises me to remain patient. Despite being patient I’m suffering from tension and psychological distress.

Answered by: Shaykh Zafar ul Hasan

1) Being Just means advising all the parties and not only one:

“Be just: that is nearer to piety,”

(Surah 5 "Al-Maeda", Verse 8)

By establishing justice peace will prevail.

“Stand out firmly for justice,”

(Surah 4, Verse 135)

Standing firmly for justice means giving both parties their rights according to their status i.e equity. Husband is responsible for his wife along with his mother and sisters. In order to keep peace and good environment at home it is very important for the guardian to be just. It is a part of justice that the husband should advise both the parties i.e his wife and mother and sisters. He shouldn’t only advise his wife of being patient but also advice his mother and sisters the same.

Taking sides or favoring one party will make the other party more stubborn and hurtful. If a husband takes the side of his wife then his mother and sisters will have a complain of him being the slave of his wife and if he takes the side of his mother and sisters then wife would complain of him being unconcerned about his wife and getting trapped in their talks. Taking sides can lead to worse consequences like 'divorce'.

Even a slight negligence in wife’s rights will offend the wife. Likewise, little negligence in the rights of his mother and sisters will offend them. For keeping both the segments happy, the husband has to give each one his due right as Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said:

“So you should give to everyone his due.” (Bukhari)

2) Concealing the faults nor exaggerate them:

An Arab poet has put up very beautifully: 'If you have to live together in peace and love then do not pick faults of each other.  Who can be free from faults?'

Mother-in-law being the queen of the home, if she holds each and every fault of the wife accountable even for petty things, then from the very first day daughter-in-law will harbor hatred for her mother-in-law. She will think mother-in-law only notices the vices and not the virtues. Hence, Islam commands us to conceal the faults.

This Hadith should suffice us:

The Messenger of Allah ascended the Minbar and called out with a raised voice: ’O you who accepted Islam with his tongue, while faith has not reached his heart! Do not harm the Muslims, nor revile them, nor spy on them to expose their secrets. For indeed whoever tries to expose his Muslims brother’s secrets, Allah exposes his secrets wide open, even if he were in the depth of his house.’”

The narrator of the hadith, Naf’e said: ‘ One day Ibn ‘Umar looked at the House- or – the Ka’bah and said:

What is it that is more honored than you, and whose honor is more sacred than yours! And the believer’s honor is more sacred to Allah than yours (Ka’bah).” (Jami’ At-Tirmidhî, 2032, Hasan)

One more Hadith on it is: 'A'isha reported that the Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, "Forgive right-acting people their slips."

(Al-Adab Al-Mufrad, 465, Sahîh)

Conceal the faults means neither inform others nor highlight the faults. Due to your concealment others will consider him good else he will be detested by them. In domestic problems such a characteristic will be considered highly noble and highly rewarding too.

An inspiring Hadith concealing the faults: “and if anyone covers up a Muslim (his sins), Allah will cover him up (his sins) on the Resurrection Day.”

(Muttafaqun ‘alayh)

3) Pardoning others:

Who repress anger, and who pardon men,

(Surah 3 "Aal-Imran", Verse 134)

One should pardon others. If a daughter-in-law sees mistakes committed by mother-in-law or sisters-in-law and pardons instantly then the matter won’t surface. Things get wrong when a daughter-in-law doesn’t pardon instead tells her husband or her own family later on. From here combat starts.

4) Giving respect to the elders and showing compassion towards the young ones:

Anas bin Malik narrated that:

"An older man came to talk to the Prophet, and the people were hesitant to make room for him. The Prophet said: He is not one of us who does not have mercy on our young and does not respect our elders.

( Jami’ At-Tirmidhî, 1919, Hasan)

Little ones should consider their duty of being respectful to all starting from their own mother to the rest members of the family. If a daughter-in-law is the youngest in a home then it’s from her duties to respect the elders. A Muslim respects the elders and love the young ones. Likewise it’s incumbent for a mother-in-law to be compassionate to her daughter-in-law like she is with her own daughter. Similarly, being compassionate towards the children of her son as she is with the children of her daughter is a rarely quality now a days. It’s upon the eldest to be just and compassionate with everyone.

Sa’eed ibn Musayyib (may Allâh have mercy upon him) was one of the Tâbi’een and had also the privilege to be a student of Abu Bakr and Umar (Allah be pleased them). He says:

 “Allah will decide about Heaven and Hell on the Day of Judgement on the basis of deeds:

“Then as for him whose balance (of good deeds) will be heavy, He will live a pleasant life (in Paradise).

 But as for him whose balance (of good deeds) will be light, He will have his home in Hawiyah (pit, i.e. Hell).

(Surah Al-Qariah, Verses 6-9)

One whose good deeds will exceed the bad ones will be made to enter Heaven without being accountable for the bad ones and vice versa.

But if you observe and study the verses above you will notice that even the person entering the Heaven is not free of sins. Likewise, person entering the Hell also has some good deeds. If Allah considers the weightage of the good deeds, why don’t we human beings establish this balance in this world? Whenever you judge a person or take a decision about him then look; are his good deeds more or the bad ones? When Allah overlooks the bad deeds upon the increased amount of good deeds than who are we to bring the bad deeds in the limelight and hide the good ones?

We should consider this fact about our social life that no one is free from the errors and faults. But when deciding and creating a standard to judge between the good and the bad then we should see whether the good deeds surpass the bad ones or not? If they do then we should overlook the bad deeds.

'A'isha reported that the Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, "Forgive right-acting people their slips."

(Al-Adab Al-Mufrad, 465, Sahîh)

Concluding words:

Remain patient. The result of patience is remarkable in front of Allah. The result of patience will be good. But these four points should be taken into consideration by everyone be it the husband or the other family members. If these four points are kept in front then life will be full of love and affection. The most important being taking justice into an account. If justice is observed then all matters are set aright.

So In sha Allah if you develop this habit it will be a source of immense happiness in your homes.