Peace be upon you and the mercy of Allaah and His blessings
In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious the Most Merciful
When we talk about marriage life,
at times certain virus gets involved
which act like poison
Even if one drop of poison,
gets mixed with anythi
# In the same way if our temperament has bad manners
# or anything about character which should have been included is absent in our temperament\NThen what happens?
The entire household starts getting destroyed. It's foundation shakes up
So today we will discuss - how to maintain our character
How to take care of the fact that in a married life we have to tolerate each other
And stay together with good character,
so that we may keep those poisonous viruses away from us.
I have with me Dr. Farhat Hashmi
Peace be upon you and the mercy of Allaah and His blessings\NOnto you Peace and the mercy of Allaah and His blessings
And also with me is Sr. Yasmeen
Peace be upon you and the mercy of Allaah and His blessings
Onto you Peace and the mercy of Allaah and His blessings
Dr. Farhat, when we begin our marital life, kindly shed light on the things we should be careful about
the things we should concentrate on & include in our checklist,
these things should not be in our lives & we should save ourselves from them?
And along with it, we also hope that you guide us in the matter of character
Peace be upon you and the mercy of Allaah and His blessings
All our Praise is for Him (Allah), and we invoke His blessings on His Noble Messenger (Muhammad)
I seek refuge with Allaah from the accursed Shaytaan
In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious the Most Merciful
My Lord, expand for me my breast and ease for me my task
And untie the knot from my tongue
That they may understand my speech
The success of a martial life is based upon good dealings & good character
Because marriage is not only a union of two individuals...
it is a union of two families & after that, many other individuals get attached as well
In other words, after getting married, a person is dealing with many other people
and as long as these dealings are not good, a person cannot amass happiness.
And when the dealings get corrupted & our relations get spoiled
then the impact is felt on our personal lives & other people get affected by it
So we must remember that people with good character,
collect all goodness in religious matters, worldly matters & as well as in the hereafter
and they achieve success everywhere
That is why it is essential that one must save one's self from all those habits, which are counted as a part of bad character.
If we study the Qur’an, then we can find a sketch of a person of bad character as...
“and do not listen to every cheap (person) who swears, one who taunts a lot, one who gossips, prevents goodness, going extreme and is a severe sinner”
Which means that few of the things that include in a bad character are mentioned here, among them are...
Swearing on petty issues, making others target of taunts,
spreading gossip from here and there
And in the same way stopping others from good deeds, going into extreme in every matter.
Going extreme in anger, harshness, dislikes & even in discussions. In fact, going to an extreme in every issue
And along with all this, disobeying Allah Almighty
These are those things which, if they get into the life of a person, then they drag him towards failure in this world as well as the hereafter
The Prophet (peace be upon him) described an evil person and said:
“It is enough for a person to be evil when he is inclined to immodesty, bad speeches, miser and a coward”
Which means, all these are included in bad characteristics
When a person disputes & quarrels he gets obscene
# He does not respect others but appears rude, and gives taunts while talking badly
# Not only that he speaks badly with his tongue but also his body language is evil
that it becomes a reason to generate hatred in the heart of the other person
In the same way a person is miser, greedy & suffers from a straitened heart
# Thus when such things enter a person's behavior then he is not willing to forgive others, nor able to see the good in others,
nor he appreciates others, nor does he acknowledges someone's obligation upon him
So all these things harms the person itself
# In the same way cowardice, squeaking nature that frightens him from small things,
gets disturbed while imposing this disturbance upon himself as a burden
And through it, destroying the peace of others too
All these things are deadly poison for a marital life
that is why it is essential that a person keeps introspecting
And should also examine one's self to check he/she is not a victim of any of these things
Jabir ibn Abdullah (Allah be pleased with him) narrates from the Prophet (peace be upon him):
“On the day of Qiyamah, the people most beloved & closest to me from amongst you will be those who have excellent character...
and most disliked & farthest from me will be those who talk a lot without thinking of the consequences & those who are arrogant”
Now you see if a household has people who know only how to talk but don't act
they keep on commenting on everything carelessly, neglecting the position of truth & falsehood
# Disputing in conversations, lying to get their work done & adopting two mouthed policy
Or not preferring for others what he prefers for himself
Considering oneself to be a big shot, either through discussions or body language.
Displaying one's status and to look down upon others
These are the things that breaks other people's heart and hurts them severely
Then one cannot expect good attitude from them.
The Prophet (peace be upon him) has stated that the sign of a believer is that a believer will not taunt,
he is not obscene nor does he brag
Now if we see this Hadith, it speaks about bad attitude & vulgar language
and that a believer is not one who indulges in vain talks
Because the more a person talks,
the more errors come out of his tongue,
and hence becomes a source of giving hardships to others.
So a person who thinks twice before speaking, talks according to the situation & speaks only when needed...
then such a person commits lesser mistakes.
Therefore, it is essential for a person to be cautious in such a matter
because many a times quarrels at home take place due to misuse of tongue,
and at times it creates difficulties for others
It is said that a woman was mentioned before the Prophet (peace be upon him)
that she was well known for her generous charity & was regular in her worship
but along with this, she used to harass her neighbors with her tongue
So the Prophet (peace be upon him) said, “She is from among those in Hell”
This was in-spite that she prayed Salah, extra Salah's, fasted and gave charity, she did everything...
but harmed people through her tongue
So all her good deeds will be annulled
On the other hand, another woman was mentioned.
She is known to be little constraint in Salah & fasting\N She fulfills her obligatory duties but excludes herself from the rest.
And gives few pieces of cheese in charity
but never harms anyone with her tongue, neither her neighbors.
So he said, “She is from among those in Paradise”
Thus we can conclude the factors on which the hereafter and the final result of a person is based upon
His character, his attitude, his actions and use of tongue shows what he is doing.
Sometimes we are absorbed in our own thoughts, and speak out whatever we please
and keep bragging about one's own self saying, “I did this” and “I did that” and the conversation moves around self appreciation
These things irritate others
because if a person narrates his own stories & takes no interest in others
or in a gathering there is only one person continuously talking
and does not allow others to speak, so people may tolerate him for sometime
A house where such people exist makes life like a wrath. (i prefer living hell)
Thus the way there are many rights, in the same way
they also have a right that if a husband talks, the wife should listen and if the wife talks then the husband too should listen
In the same way, every family member should be given the right to speak up, and each one of them should also be heard
It was the habit of the Prophet (peace be upon him) that whenever someone spoke to him, he used to pay full attention towards them
and used to direct his face and body towards them
And he used to listen to them with interest and at times though the person was repeating what he had already said earlier
yet he used to listen him attentively as if he were hearing it for the first time.
In the same way, quarreling for trivial issues and turning small things into big issues, for example:
“the vessels are not washed properly” or “the food was not delicious”
"the dining table was set properly”
“the clothes were not washed properly” Or "the clothes has still some creases left even after ironing them"
Any such domestic issue which can have imperfection or a particular work was not done in time.
Or the husband must have promised to bring something home but could not etc
Many people blow such small issues out of proportion
and get upset over it or get unhappy or develop an environment of gloom at home
So the Prophet (peace be upon him) said, the most disliked person in the sight of Allah is the one who quarrelsome
Such person creates quarrel on every issue, makes an issue of even small things and does not have the will to forgive anything
In the same way, other things that are included in a bad character is that a person adopts harshness towards others
The Prophet (peace be upon him) prayed, “O Allah! Be gentle towards those who are gentle & soft towards my Ummah (my people)
And be harsh upon those who are harsh upon them”
In a home, if there is a father or a husband whose temper is very harsh and if the entire family fears his temper
and are unable to neither speak up in his presence nor express their feelings in a correct way
Just imagine how such person is turning life into hell for others! But what about his own self? What is he earning for himself?
And how he fits to qualify for the supplication made by the Prophet (peace be upon him) as mentioned above.
Similarly, people who don't respect others,
To think that they are allowed to treat those who are younger or lower in post than them, in anyway they want.
Considering the status of a wife lower to them as some even say, “they are our footwear”
while others give various derogatory titles. There is nothing like this in our deen (religion)
The Prophet (peace be upon him) used to take extreme care of his wife.
Aisha (Allah be pleased with her narrates that,“Once the Prophet (peace be upon him) was sleeping close to me and he woke up quietly,
without making any noise and opened the door without any noise”
She uses the word “without any noise” frequently in her narration because he did not want to disturb her sleep or comfort.
Many a times there are quarrels in a house when a person is sleeping whereas the others did not take care of his sleep & disturbed him.
Many times it happens that a person does not observe respect & honor of the other,
and this attitude could be from both the sides.
Such behavior could be from any one. It could be from husband, wife, daughter in law or mother in law and whoever stays there.
In such circumstances a person should always remember that whatever we are, but we are Muslims.
and Islam demands that our character that appears in our attitude should be good.
An Islamic house is not just where there is a punctuality in Prayers and Fasting,
but an Islamic family is one where all the members know how to stay respectfully and honorably with each other.
The Prophet (peace be upon him) said:
“The biggest interest is to dishonor a Muslim with your tongue” which means that he is subjected to taunts and spoken badly about.
The Prophet (peace be upon him) said:
“O you have believed just by your tongue and in whose hearts faith has not yet entered! Do not do backbiting of Muslims”
Such backbiting becomes a reason for a big turmoil.
And he further said, “nor do dishonor him because whoever dishonors a Muslim, Allah dishonors him,
and whoever is dishonored by Allah gets humiliated even while he is sitting at home”
It means that a person who becomes a reason for dishonoring others or talks evil about others, then he himself cannot be saved from it.
And there is no escape from Allah when He seizes a person to punish him.
In the same way boasting, presenting one's self as a big man and calling others with insulting names and looking sternly at others...
or showing such attitudes when dealing with others in such a way the the other person is humiliated.
So this is also a disliked behavior, rather a person should adopt a moderate approach
The Prophet (peace be upon him instructed, “Be moderate...
and no body should adopt and extreme attitude towards others nor should some one show pride over others”
A man asked him, “O Messenger of Allah! If someone, who is lower than my status, abuses me in a gathering
and if I respond him, will that too cause me to be punished?”
“When abusing each other, both of the persons are Devil dishonoring each other and lying”
In fact abusing others is a lie in itself.
In the same way, picking out other people's faults, raising objections over small issues, also causes a damage to the matters.
If someone has any shortcoming then efforts should be made in order to correct him,
if someone does not know a particular task then he should be taught affectionately.
But in matters which is not under the control of a person,
criticizing someone's features or laughing at someone's way of dressing,
then such behavior does not suit a Muslim and becomes a reason for spoiling relations.
One of the wives of the Prophet (peace be upon him) said,
“I told the Prophet (peace be upon him) that the the short height of Safiya (other wife of the Prophet) is enough for you”.
Upon this the Prophet (peace be upon him) said,
“You have spoken such a thing that if put in the sea water, it will make it bitter”
So when a person makes fun of such shortcomings of another person, i.e. someones eyes or someones teeth, or face, color or shape.
and these things become reasons for spoiling relations and hurting each others feelings.
Abu Hurraira (Allah be pleased with him) said,
“One of you can spot a dust particle in the eyes of his brother but fails to see huge defect in his own eyes”
Indicating, that he fails to see his own shortcomings.
In the same way, the bad behavior of some people is so extreme that they not only speak behind someone's back
but taunt right on the face of the people.
There is a verse in the Qur’an which is very strict in reprimanding such people (Arabic Verse)
Woe to the person who taunts and finds faults.
Therefore such attitude is very harmful for our own here after
In the same way at times exaggerating certain issues and stretching them too long is also disliked
and causes the other person to be a victim of deception
In the same way, during mutual conversations, digging out irrelevant things and spying, keeping on inquiring different things
and keep searching and pursuing negative things also causes relations to be spoilt
The Prophet (peace be upon him) warned, “Those who peel the skin hair are destroyed”
which refers to every person who keeps on digging out information of every unwanted, irrelevant things
and going deep into unwanted things and making the matter worse which itself is harmful
The excellent example that the Prophet (peace be upon him) has left behind for us
includes that he was extremely forgiving in nature, behaved very nicely, use to give relief to others, gave importance to others.
So as long as we don't adopt this behavior, which Allah has declared to be the best type of behavior
and do not follow that way of religion, then life cannot be successful.
Some people reach such extremes of bad behavior that they indulge in physical abuse.
So the Prophet (peace be upon him) said, “Do not physically abuse the worshipers of Allah (believing women)
So Umar (Allah be pleased with him) said, “O Messenger of Allah! Women have started giving back replies to their husbands”
then the Prophet (peace be upon him) gave them some liberty.
So a lot of women started approaching the Prophet (peace be upon him) with complains against their husbands
Therefore, he announced that the household of Muhammad (peace be upon him)
has been receiving a lot of women who are complaining about their husbands,
such people (husbands) are not good ones
Those who raise their hands over their family members and start hitting them without a justified cause.
In the same way, there are some who humiliate and drive (their wives) out of their homes, and even kick them out.
This is also a very painful behavior
A person should explain his wife step by step, involve family members thus adopt variety of methods
and not that he drives out his wife from the house
In the same way there are some who are extreme in gheerah (self confidence & modesty) and keep suspecting even in small issues
and this temperament of wife suspecting husband or husband suspecting wife
is also a type of bad behavior which keeps a person involved in sadness and depression.
And proceeding further, to impose weight upon others and interrogating about things here and there which are irrelevant.
Thus all these are are such that can destroy a home and it brings an negative result for a person.
Thus we pray to Allah to bestow us with excellent character and give us the inspiration to turn our homes into paradise.
May Allah reward you with goodness
However I would like to ask you here, many women keep on discussing
that in Islamic law there is no mentioning of serving in-laws
and making this as a base they stoop down their character and in dealings to a very low level
So how can we guide such daughters and what can we teach them?
First of all, where is the proof of this?
A person stays in a house and gets all benefits from there
and considers the house as her own house which includes even the parents who are staying there.
These parents have a very high status but if a person considers them to be a heavy burden.
and says that it is not her duty to look after them then this is not acceptable
Islam commands us to be excellent even towards the neighbors as well. The Prophet (peace be upon him) said,
“Jibraeel exhorted to be so excellent towards the neighbors that I feared that neighbors might be included in inheritance as well”
Thus if a person staying next door has so many rights upon you, then what about the people who are staying in the same house?
Should they not be treated with excellent behavior?
In the same way we see the examples of Sahabiyat as well, Asma bint Abu Bakr (Allah be pleased with both of them)
She was married to Zubair bin Awwam and she looked after the horse of Zubair (Allah be pleased with him)
She grinded seeds for his camels and also helped him in farming as well
Thus if a woman is serving the animals belonging to her home and feels happy about it,
thinking it to be a help to her husband as no one else is there to help him.
Then will the mother and father of her husband who is staying in the same house
will be considered lower than them (those animals) and be deprived of fulfilling their needs and to care for them?
The Qur’an has repeatedly reminded that, “Be excellent with parents”
After your parents, your husband's parents are also your parents and they should be dealt with excellence
On the other hand even the husband and his parents should also realize
that the girl who has come to their house has not come as a servant
but she also has some rights and she also has her own needs, she is also a human.
and normally when a lady is young she is passing through many difficult stages, like giving birth to a child
and feeding it. Thus, she too faces health related issues as well
so at times she may not be able to do everything then her husband should take care of her and make some arrangements to help her
And whatever is in his capacity he too should give his share in her work
It is proved from the biography of the Prophet (peace be upon him) that when at home, he used to help his family.
Mutual love is possible only when each one care for others and fulfill each others need
As you say this, it reminds us even about Khadijah (Allah be pleased with her)
that when she got married to the Prophet (peace be upon him),
she got Ali (Allah be pleased with him) home as well
That was also a display of her character
When we give advice to someone,
or when we recite Qur’an, we get to see other people's evil
instead of searching for those faults in our own selves
So what should be done to try and make our own selves on the corrections?
We should apply the verses upon ourselves instead of applying on others.
Normally, when we study the Quran we feel that whatever is instructed in it,
is about others and use it as a mirror to reflect what errors others are committing
but our own mistakes are not evident.
It is cautioned in the Qur’an, “O you who have believed! Save your selves and your family from the Fire (of Hell)”
This means that one has to be concerned about himself
In the same way it is also mentioned elsewhere, “O you who have believed! Fear Allah
and every person should be concerned about what preparation he has made for tomorrow”
Thus we should check how much have we applied (these verses) upon ourselves
and not how much others are applying it on themselves
These days we also receive many cases of domestic violence
and when you explained about bad behavior and intolerance towards others,
there are many women who complain that their husbands don't behave with them properly while we keep on observing patience
And then comes a stage when they start beating and abusing us
When at home they ignore us while keeping themselves busy chatting with other Non Mahram girls
or roaming with them, going to parties with them
At that time, when it is told to them (women) to be within the periphery of good behavior,
because you are responsible for only what you do
Then the girls get more upset and say that, during these situations when we see such things it is beyond our control to be patient.
It is true, I understand that they are on truth and feel bad
when they see others involved in sins
but what the person should see is
Whatever method is adopted to correct others would it be really beneficial?
For example, if you see someone involved in a wrong deed
and you overreact to it and show extreme anger or start screaming and shouting
One must see what is the end result of this reaction? The problem still exists there, rather it gets multiplied
In such circumstances the person should first see why the issue has begun
It could be that the wife is not paying attention towards her husband at all and not fulfilling his needs
She may not be building a peaceful environment for him in the house for which he might be adopting other ways in search of peace
It could be also that she has applied a lot of effort to give him peace but yet Shaytan, at times drags a person to a different route.
So whenever a person is on a wrong track then, in order to bring him back, an effort is essential
And different ways can be adopted to achieve it
but it does not mean that we should try to solve such an issue by reacting towards it...It is not possible
At times it is also that we may not take care of our dressing
and we are so engrossed with children and other domestic chores that the husband gets ignored
And on the other side he finds a lot of glamour as compared to it.\NYes, one should take care of these things too.
It also happens that people are told about ‘Forgive and Forget’ rule
# and it becomes difficult to observe it, specially the past things gets back to memory again
Like she feels that the husband or mother-in-law said this and that
Therefore such words keep on haunting her and it becomes difficult for her to adapt to present and move on
Such thing is like committing extreme upon one's own self because you are carrying a burden upon your own self
and you have to offload it or else you will be tired of carrying it and you will lose your courage
There are many ways of forgetting it, a person should focus on the good characteristics of others
or keep him/herself self busy in some activities
And even then if it is still unforgettable, then do not discuss about it again and again
Because recalling it in discussion repeatedly and taunting the other person the situation can get worse at times without achieving anything
If we want to receive happiness from any person
then we should speak something that is makes them happy or do something that brings happiness,
Instead of recalling his past and taunting him for it and humiliate him
and then expect that he should be excellent in dealing with us and love us
But, love cannot be achieved through taunts
I would like to raise one more point
When our daughters get married we see very rosy picture and there is an idealistic dream
based upon stories that we pick from the media
But when we are not able to see perfection,
as they say we get demoralized and our expectations are not fulfilled
Is it not better that we work on affection, trim down our expectations and then our issues can be improved
In other words this should be the message to be given to daughters and sons
Surely, overall these are the things that guarantees success,
that when a person is unable to change others then he should at least try to change himself and should deal nicely
Some people are loud by nature and I have seen many mother in-laws...
stating that their hearts are crystal clear with regards to my daughter-in-law, it is just that I am a little loud and boldly tell things on face.
Can we tell them, that the demand of a good character is that, a person should speak within certain boundaries of courtesy?
It is true that some people are loud but being loud is not always being ill-mannered
But it doesn't mean that a person gets angry and keeps on saying whatever he wants to say, rather they should speak carefully
On the other hand the listener should also realize that the person has a habit of speaking in such a way and try to ignore it
But for us the best example is the life of the Prophet (peace be upon him) and see how loud was he and how did he converse
and if we follow his Sunnah we will find a lot of our problems solved through it.
I would like to ask you one more thing in this regard,
These things get developed in children right from their childhood,
therefore, many a times the behavior of our parents leave such an impact upon our children
that they are unable to observe a balance in their behavior
Some parents are extremely strict as well
So I would like to know what is your stand regarding this? How can such children character be developed?
There are also certain parents who become best buddies for their children
There should be a balance maintained...neither there should be such strictness that breaks them nor such liberty that they are uncontrollable
Thus a balanced nature is essential which does not have too much of anger nor too much of softness. This helps in normalizing the situation.
But it should be a comfortable environment, whether we are talking to our elders,
who could be our in-laws or seniors of the family or
whether we are talking to those who are equal to us who could be our husband and others of our age or
whether we talk to our juniors who could be our children or servants
So whenever we talk to any of these people, there should be some ease and gentleness and provide an atmosphere of comfort
The Prophet (peace be upon him) said, “should I not inform you about the person
who is forbidden to fire (of hell) and upon whom the fire (of hell) is forbidden?”
“Every person who is an easy going, soft, gentle, maintains moderate approach”
Thus these are the qualities we need to develop in ourselves in order to save our own hereafter as well.
When a girl leaves her parents home and arrives at her in-laws, at that time if the behavior of the in-laws
offers more ease and accommodation, then it would be easy for her to adjust
Or it is seen that when women are idle they point out errors in petty things, trying to improve everything which makes the girl upset.
So what do you have to say about it? How should the behavior of the elders be?
I understand that the elders should show seniority and adopt an attitude of an understanding nature
Especially while dealing with daughter-in-law we must see how we have been dealing with our own daughter.
For example; if our own children sleep till late morning then we exempt them saying, “May be the poor fellows are tired so they must rest”
But if the daughter-in-law does not wake up early then we have lot of objections
and this is a double standard because if we adopt such attitude then we may not be able to win hearts
I don't mean to say that we must keep on sleeping in the morning because
the blessings about the morning that are mentioned by the Prophet (peace be upon him) are extraordinary
But just for the sake of an example; I say that things we dislike in her is not seen as disliked in our own children,
rather we see from a sympathetic view
The same weakness in others appears to us as disturbing and troublesome
In the same way as I said, even spying is also included as a trait of bad character so at times just being fussy with the wife
And keep on inquiring as to when did she wake up, who came to meet her, what did she buy, what did she wear
and if every behavior is examined then life is not lesser than a prison
Thus the way we want liberty, we should also give liberty to others
Some of them insist them to be dressed only according to their choice and want meals to be cooked as per their choice
They want to have a say in everything they do without consulting others
thus the other person thinks that she is unwanted in the house and there is no space for her
Feels left out and does not consider herself to be the part of the family nor does she consider the home as her home
The behavior should be such that it should give confidence to the other person,
i.e. the new arrival that she accepts her in-law's house as her own house
One more thing, very common seen in the society nowadays
and that is culture difference due to some reasons
It could be of a tradition, system or status which brings in a lot of bad behavior from either of the one party
So what are the guidelines laid by our Religion about these issues?
Firstly, we must check our compatibility in early stage itself
whether they are equal to us in monetary terms or educational level or in some other things
And if they are too important for us then one should not get married in such families
But now if the marriage is done then a person should be seen as a human
and not be humiliated on the basis of things he does not have
At times it happens that a woman get a daughter-in-law as per her choice from her relatives and she is very warm and welcoming towards them
but If the boy brings a girl of his choice then she is disowned
and because of that there is always a strain between the sister-in-laws and other members hence they feel left out
But Islam does not allow us to use status and family connections as a parameter to grade a person
Islamically it is not approved, that a person should make big issue of such things
Now, that a person who has already become a part of the family they should be accepted and her heart should be won through good behavior
Because now she is a part of the family and through her, your lineage will continue and an entire family would be born out of her
So if you do not accept her then you will lose your entire generation
And sometimes I have seen that girls who are from outside, get approval and through good conduct then they turn out to be excellent in serving
And also becomes the strongest bond to bring the family together and keep them together
This is because good conduct wins the heart and the real winner is the one who wins the heart
May Allah reward you with goodness
Viewers! One thing that we always kept on hearing that respect is earned
Each one of us who feel that we are not respected should display excellent behavior
which is proved from the Sunnah of the Prophet (peace be upon him)
Hasan Basri has said, “whoever does not possess character does not possess any knowledge”
So what should be done? Achieve knowledge and find out what are my duties and see how should I deal in different situations
And do remember that good behavior is not shown only when the other person talks to you nicely
Your character is put to test when the other person does not display those high quality character towards you
and even then you smile and deal with him in a very good way
Peace be upon you and the mercy of Allaah and His blessings