This is the third question in front of us summarized as:
After my marriage I went to my in-laws, I was unaware of the domestic affairs
Meaning of domestic affairs is...
Living with mother-in-law, sisters-in-law, how to live with the in-laws,
or cooking, know-how about the kitc
about which I was unaware
due to which our in-laws and I had many fights, especially with the mother-in-law
So, in such situations what is my responsibility and
the responsibility of my in-laws? I would like to know regarding this
In this matter there are various points
First and foremost in earlier days, before marriage it used to be a norm
that mothers would teach their daughters and make them aware of the domestic affairs to a great extent
so at that time these problems were not as prevalent
But today in this educational age,
It happens while studying in colleges & universities, circumstances are such that when girls get married
during her studying days, their mothers didn't take work from them due to
the responsibilities of studies like homework etc
the poor girl didn't get a chance to learn
and when she gets married and goes to her in-laws, all of the sudden her world changes
Instead of educational, college, and university life, now her life of a daughter-in-law,
gets encountered with social life, domestic affairs and with all such things.
As a result many problems may arise
First, of all I think you should understand
when such a bride or daughter-in-law has came to our home,
about whom we are aware of everything in fact many a times,
in-laws may say “let her continue studies” even if she is unaware of the domestic affairs,
“you marry her off, we'll teach her everything”
The mother-in-law or father-in-law to be, themselves say,
"You handover her like this, we'll teach her everything like our daughter."
But when she arrives, instead of teaching, things change,
so, I am stating some things before you in the light of the Qur'an and Sunnah
May Allaah accepts this from us and make it a beacon for all of you
First thing is this that if a mother-in-law,
in-laws, father-in-law know that
this girl has passed her whole life in studying and now she has come as a daughter-in-law in our home
then we should give her a chance to learn and the biggest responsibility is of the mother-in-law
that she teaches her like her own daughter
Without teaching if she criticizes her, then she is committing a very big sin
Let me narrate a Hadith that
shows how teaching someone is more important before cursing or taunting for ignorance
Estimate the gravity after listening to it
Hadith is of Sunan Abee Daawood,
one of the famous six books,
it can be that it may be even in Musnad Ahmad ibn Hanbal too but what I am narrating is of Sunan Abee Dawood
One companion says I went out for the meeting with the Prophet (peace be upon him)
Most probably he left from the Yemen
He had became a Muslim but till now didn't get a chance to learn and teach the Religion
He says when I was about to depart from there my paternal aunts,
my mother, my female relatives said that
“Since you are going to Allah's Messenger so we will also come with you.”
He says “I went out taking few women along
to meet the Prophet, and we were going to Madeenah Tayyibah”
his intention was very good, resolve was very good, was a very sacred journey
He says that, “the provision with which I set out got over
and our water was also over."
We were near to reaching Madinah when I saw a garden
fenced from all four sides
with palm trees and clusters of ripe dates were hanging
He says that, “I was also hungry,
with us were our paternal aunts and maternal aunts and they too were extremely hungry and worried, walking too was difficult so,
when I saw the palm tree inside the garden, I made my women wait and sit
and went (now the door was closed)
He says “I jumped inside the garden and thought
that we are travelers so for us everything is permissible
Garden's owner wasn't there so let us take some on our own”
He says, “After going there I ate much
and when got satiated I spread my cloak and collected the dates
for my paternal and maternal aunts
and for the journey.
When I was about to leave after collecting and tying the cloak
the garden's owner arrived
He caught me and hit me and said
you are a thief and steal
I pleaded with him that I was very hungry and a traveler
but he didn't listen to me even once....he slapped me
and told me to pick everything, and placed it on my head and instructed me to proceed with it to the Prophet of Allah
“I will get your hands chopped.”
He says, “I took my women and carried the luggage
and came to the Prophet.” After bringing him to the Prophet (peace be upon him),
the owner said that he is a thief and was stealing inside the garden and this is the asset recovered
“I've brought this thief.”
Prophet asked this traveler who traveled from far, “why did you steal?"
He said. “O Prophet of Allah, I was hungry. My women too were worried. When I saw this garden, I went in and picked the dates.”
The Prophet asked, “Why didn't you take permission?”\N(He said): O Allah's Messenger he wasn't there
The inquiry ended there
The advice that the Prophet (Peace be upon him) gave to the garden's owner is an admonition and an advice for all of us.
See there was ignorance, poor he, didn't know, he wasn't able to do,
the thief who got caught, was a traveler. But over here, the case is of daughter-in-law, of your own daughter
Allah's Prophet spoke to the owner of the garden and scolded him,
“you committed injustice with him.”
(Arabic) "You should have taught him if he was ignorant and you should have fed him if he was hungry."
He (Prophet) scolded the owner of the garden,
“the first mistake you committed was that if he was ignorant, you should have taught him”
O my brother, this is a theft even if you're a traveler.
It can't be that you can pluck the fruit from someone's garden
If this poor was ignorant, your duty was to teach him
Not to beat him. Your job was to first educate him. Allahu Akbar!
2. He was hungry, you didn't feed him.
Your task wasn't to beat him but,
to feed him as he informed you that he was hungry.
You should have said to him eat up to your fill
and should have fed the women along with him
What a strange person you are!
He was ignorant, thus it was your duty to teach him
but you did not teach him and he was hungry but you did not feed him, so it was your duty to feed him
The Prophet (peace be upon him) established such an example
that if we face the ignorant, un-knowledgeable and those who lack knowledge,
then, beating and cursing is not our job
Allah's Prophet (peace be upon him) said, “Your duty was to teach”
That is why I request such sisters
in whose home such daughter-in-law comes,
the way Allah's Prophet (peace be upon him) termed punishing a thief as a crime
and said to the owner of the garden, “he wasn't a thief but an ignorant and your duty was to teach”
so, if such a daughter-in-law comes in our home
who is unaware of the domestic affairs
or she's inexperienced of that work which you want to take from her
then instead of taunting, your job is to
explain it to her, teach her, tell her, to give her education so,
that she gets educated and knows the way of all those things
This is the first thing. Number two,'
If you are teaching her...
When you are teaching her then your behavior should be of good teacher
Not taunting her..
You are teaching but after rebuking ten times,
Sometimes sisters-in-law rebuke
"You have studied so much still you don't know?"
"Your mother did not teach you this?"
In reality, had her mother taught her she might have the knowledge of doing
It is possible that due to pursuing her education she did not get a chance to learn. So, do not quip her.
Instead, teach her like an educator
Do not say; "Your mother wed you like this?"
"Your mother never taught you?"
"Your mother..." And the whole blame is put upon the mother,
family, and the other household members
Due to which, the heart of the bride breaks,
her morale drops,
she considers it as her insult, and if she complains to her mother while in tears,
then her mother too would be upset with you
First we (mother in law) used to insist to get her married, “I will teach her everything.”
I (mother) told her before everything that she is gaining education and is untrained in the domestic duties.
At that time, mother-in-law used to say we will teach her everything
and now she is blaming that the mother did not teach her!
From it more corruption takes place, and this corruption is not just limited to it but
extends up-to the two families
And if husband is of a bit serious nature and while crying...it is possible,
A respectable girl, daughter-in-law, who is learned,
highly educated is seen with respect. If you taunt her that:
"You cannot understand this?"
"You do not have this much sense?"
"Your mother did not even teach you this?"
Allahu Akbar! "Your sisters-in-law never taught you this?"
They will taunt with such statements again and again
And sometimes, in a closed room, in front of her husband, your own son,
she shed tears and complains
then it is possible that there are two aspects;
Either the husband will blame the wife and break her heart. "My mother has said right
Is this how you have come!"
And discords will take place between the husband and the wife.
Or if the husband is sensible then he will say:
"It is okay. She is mother. Learn quickly!" He will give a proof of intelligence.
Then it is fine, or else more quarrels will occur
A Prophetic Hadith
Everything is present in Islam.\NHow beautifully he said to those who teach
The Prophet (peace be upon him) of Allah said:
(Arabic) "Teach and make things easy and not difficult. Cheer the people up by conveying glad tidings to them and do not repulse (them)."
To the teacher, the Prophet of Allaah has given four instructions in this Hadîth
"Teach" If someone who is ignorant,
who does not knows then your duty is to teach them
2. "And make things easy"
And in teaching adopt the easy method and way
What you are teaching, it is quite possible that the person may not learn in one or two days
So, Allah's Prophet said:
adopt the easiest method so that one can comprehend easily
3. Allahu Akbar! "and not (make things) difficult"
Do not use harshness in teaching and making people understand
4: "Cheer the people up by conveying glad tidings to them"
Boost the morale, give glad tidings
"Do not worry! It's only been a week that you came
You will learn in one more week." Boost the morale so that her heart does not break
"Cheer the people up by conveying glad tidings to them"
Talk in a way that her heart is happy,
even if you (mother-in-law) taught her in a broken manner,
if she cooks food or does some work, say Ma sha' Allâh and Alhamdu lillah so that her heart gets joyous her morale rises
and enthusiasm does not go down
"O! I have been telling you since a week and still you have not gained even a little understanding,"
Such words break her heart
Allah's Prophet termed this behavior as unacceptable and said:
"And do not repulse (them)." (Do not utter hate speech and one that breaks the heart)
Prophet said to this extent: "Teach and do not scold (them)."
If you ever teach the ignorant then teach them
but do not scold or rebuke them,
do not taunt or curse them.
Do not show bad conduct
Do not humiliate them. This is the method that should be adopted during teaching
If you teach your untrained daughter-in-law in this way then
In sha' Allah your daughter-in-law will learn everything
and throughout her life she will mention you in good words.
What she will say? She will say: "It was my mother-in-law who taught me.
Kindly note that the method is the same but your good behavior and conduct
will make your daughter-in-law's heart happy.
She will keep telling her entire life: "When I went to the in-laws after marriage,
I did not know how to do anything.
I did not know the way.
I did not even know how to make tea
but my mother-in-law taught me everything."
The moment you adopt this gentle method
your daughter in law will praise you for her whole life in all her gathering.
That is why, how beautifully the Prophet (peace be upon him) said:
"Teach and make things easy and not difficult. Cheer the people up by conveying glad tidings to them and do not repulse (them)."
And in another narration:"Do not scold(them)..."\NTeach but do not rebuke and taunt
She (daughter-in-law) is a grown up, if elders adopt scolding
then she will not learn even if she wants to
If you (mother-in-law) adopt this method then Insha' Allah
your daughter-in-law will get familiar with all domestic duties in a few days
Your home will become peaceful, and tranquil
No one will have any complaints
Your daughter-in-law will praise you
and your daughters and her sisters-in-law her whole life
By Allah! Once such a case came to me,
I think it was a maternal grandmother or paternal grandmother
but still, to this day, by Allah! She praises her sisters-in-law
She said I was a resident of Bombay
and when I got married I did not know a single thing
but my sisters-in-law helped me a lot
My sisters-in-law taught me each and everything
By Allah! She became a maternal grandmother but
instead of complaining she still praises her sisters-in-law. Why?
She was ignorant when she came to in-laws, her sisters-in-law warded off her ignorance and taught her
So, many such instances come before us about establishing such a very good environment
This was about the mother-in-law but one more thing I will tell you
about my such sister who is asking this question that she was untrained
Then, truly, she should consider herself as an ignorant
She should have an interest and enthusiasm to learn
Interest and enthusiasm for learning
If you are ignorant then you should accept the deficiency you have related to the domestic affairs
It is very important for a woman to get acquainted with the domestic duties
It should be a concern that you are well versed about the domestic duties
You need to learn!
You can learn from your mother-in-law
as well as experienced sisters-in-law,
and never take it as your insult or disgrace
That person who has pride and arrogance in his heart can never learn
and if she thinks that if I ask them (mother-in-law, sisters-in-law) to teach me it is my insult
Then such a thought is arrogance
If you do not have arrogance and ego in your heart but an interest,
taste and zeal to learn,
then when you will try to learn, Allah Almighty will help you
That is why it is narrated that whosoever will tread the path of knowledge,
Allah will make his ways to Jannah easy (through his learning) (Sahih Bukhari, Vol I, Hadith no. 10)
Thus, our sisters and daughters-in-law should have
interest and fervor in learning
Let me tell you more about learning
From whom do daughters-in-law learn making dishes now days?
They consider mother-in-law as dumb...there too is a shortcoming...there too is a mistake.
No! No! Leave mother-in-law! We have learnt making dishes on the internet
Now the poor mother-in-law prepares whole dish using just one tablespoon of oil
This is the cooking style of the mother-in-law
But the internet informs five tablespoons of oil and the following ingredients
Now the mother-in-law thinks that I can cook in one tablespoon of oil and my daughter-in-law takes three
Now consider this:
Mother-in-law considers her daughter-in-law to be ignorant
and daughter-in-law considers herself to be qualified
What will this ignorant mother-in-law teach me?
That is why it is said that knowledge gained from the experience cannot be achieved even after PhD
That is why such daughters-in-law should develop hospitality and humbleness in themselves
If there will be interest and passion in learning then in sha Allah they will learn
Allahu Akbar! Our elders say we learnt many things even from ignorant
I will give you an example...you will be amused
A very great scholar of 'Arabia but had deviations in 'Aqeedah,
I will not name him though everyone knows him
But sometimes a man learns more from an ignorant than from scholars and professors
That is why never rebuke or curse the ignorant...Allahu Akbar!
Very great scholar...he was traveling somewhere in Egypt and passed through a village
You would have seen in villages, in fields, when a man ploughs
he takes a round of whole field, following the cattle
The path was connected with the field
and the Arab scholar was passing by
That Egyptian farmer, while ploughing saw the scholar is passing by and he came to him
He greeted him...Assalamu'alaykum!
He did not know the scholar personally but from his appearance he got to know that he was a learned man
In his response the scholar said: "Wa'alaykum As-Salaam! Yes, how are you?"
The farmer answered: “Very good." The scholar asked about his well-being
(Asked): "What have you studied?"
The farmer replied: "I have learnt only one thing that the cattle is in ahead of me and I follow him, that's all
During the day I work, in the evening I go home, give fodder to the cattle then I sleep after my meal."
The scholar said: "Is your education only this much?"\NThe farmer replied: "Yes only this much."
Scholar answered back: "Your life is doomed! You have not studied anything."
So I advise such daughters-in-law and people that they must have the interest of learning...think about this
Sometimes you may be more learned than your ignorant
but the mother-in-law, but possibly she has an experience of 70-80 years
What you can gain from her experience cannot be achieved from the internet and food magazines
The learning that you gain from your experienced mother-in-law and sisters-in-law is beyond the teachings of internet
This senior scholar asked the farmer, "Where is Allah?"
The (farmer) picked up the stick from which cattle is beaten and left ploughing
And exclaimed, “Dishonest man! You do not know where Allah is?”
Allahu Akbar! The scholar had studied logic and philosophy
His belief was, ‘Allah is everywhere’
And that ignorant (farmer) was plainly simple, upon natural belief
He harbored the belief about where Allah is? Above the seven heavens
As soon as the (scholar) asked, ‘Where is Allah’?
The farmer exclaimed: Nullifidian! I considered you as a learned man. Where is Allah!?
You do not even know this?
The scholar responded by saying I know!\NThe farmer asked: Where?
The scholar answered: Everywhere
The farmer replied: There is none ignorant than you. Allah is above the Heaven
Such a big scholar while holding his head said Forbid!
Logic and philosophy has ruined my belief
This ignorant set my belief straight. Then he repented.
Allah is not everywhere, then where is He? Above the Heaven as it is mentioned in the Qur'an seven times
He (scholar) corrected his belief, repented and throughout his life remembered this farmer in his prayers
and says, “Through this rural, wild farmer Allah blessed me with the belief in Tawheed (Oneness of Allah)."
Why? He (farmer) did not study logic and philosophy
We studied much logic and philosophy and wandered in darkness,
Now I understood where Allah is
So, I want to say that never should you rely upon the knowledge
picked from books and internet.
Rely upon them less and more on learning from human experiences and teachers
These were my few points regarding such daughters-in-laws
and mothers-in-law, if in sha' Allah they will keep circumstances and their own behavior in check,
then the affairs of both the parties will be alright
There will be no misunderstanding and tension in the family
May Allah enable everyone to act upon this