Peace be upon you and the mercy of Allaah and His blessings
In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious the Most Merciful
One of the fears that dominates our martial life
due to which we make many wrong decisions
And that fear is, ‘What will people say?'
Who are i
Our family members, we ourselves and people around us who keep on observing us
and the role of people is also very important
When you are tensed, upset and ask for someone's suggestion
And if they give a suggestion which was very beneficial and according to the Qur'an and Sunnah
Then you will be able to save your (marital) life
and be successful in sorting out your issues.
And you will receive Allah's help in abundance
But if someone guides you to another way then what will happen?
Just because of that decision the entire family can be destroyed
Husband, wife, children and everyone else will be included in the list of suffering.
So today we would like to discuss about it
and what is the role of those who are directly or indirectly involved.
And what can they do and from what things should save themselves from.
And about which things should they be careful while discussing with others.
Advice is a trust and how should it be preserved?
For this we have Dr. Farhat Hashmi with us
Peace be upon you and the mercy of Allaah and His blessings
Onto you Peace and the mercy of Allaah and His blessings
With me is also Sr. Yasmeen
Peace be upon you and the mercy of Allaah and His blessings
Onto you Peace and the mercy of Allaah and His blessings
Today we would like to ask you about
the boat of marriage life which is trapped in whirlpool most of the time
And the role of many people who try to bring the boat out of that whirlpool and what should they do about it?
Peace be upon you and the mercy of Allaah and His blessings
All our Praise is for Him (Allah), and we invoke His blessings on His Noble Messenger (Muhammad)
I seek refuge with Allaah from Shaytaan (Satan), the outcast (the cursed one)
In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious the Most Merciful
My Lord, expand for me my breast and ease for me my task
And untie the knot from my tongue
That they may understand my speech
It is said that a marriage does not take place only between two people, but it is a union of two families.
The relations between the husband and wife can remain happy only when
the relations between the two families also remain happy
And especially in a family or a home where they live,
even the other people who live with them should also play their role properly.
With regards to this, if you see generally, the Prophet (peace be upon him) has declared
that all the Believers are like one body.
He said, “The example of the believers with regards to mutual love, affection and mercy is like one body.
If any part of the body undergoes any pain,
then the entire body becomes sleepless and feverish as a victim of that pain"
This is the real picture of the society or the house of a believer
where every person is a well-wisher of the other
Every person understands the pain, grief and difficulties of other and he feels it
and cooperates to relieve him off his sufferings.
It is not that one of the member is under difficulties while the other enjoys it, saying, “ He deserved it"
This does not suit the Believer.
We may have our differences with each other at times
and sometimes there are quarrels as well.
But the believer is never numb to the pain of others
and he will not remain inactive to get rid of that difficulty.
So firstly, we have to prove that we are believers
and be well-wishers of those around us
and deal with them in goodness
Secondly, relations must be maintained
because the result of severing of ties is very dangerous.
As Allah declares in the Qur'an, “and those who break their oaths with Allah after taking it,
and sever those ties about which Allah has commanded to join and do mischief on the land.
They are the ones upon whom is the curse (Which means that they are away from the Mercy of Allah)
and their recompense is worst (on the day of Judgment)
This demands that mutual relations should be maintained and togetherness
as well along with being safe from tribulations is very essential for our life and hereafter.
A believer is the one who exhorts for truth and tries to explain the one who is mistaken is a well-wisher of other
and saves him from falling into the pit (of fire)
(Arabic Verse) He sets a performing example of exhorting for truth and exhorting for patience
If someone had been hurt or someone has face a hardship
he tries to cure his wound instead of adding more oil to fire
In the same Allah mentions in one place in the Qur'an,
“Then those who have believed and exhorted each other to patience and advised each other
to show mercy they are the ones on right hand side"
This means that on the day of judgement, those who will be successful are
being mentioned here along with their characteristics that they encourage each other to observe patience.
And this remains a need of man being because
man undergoes some or other loss every day in his life, gets trapped in some or other hardship
and loses his moral strength
It could be a mother whose kids are small
and they harass her a lot, either a child falls sick or causes problems due to his behavior, they harasses due to weakness etc
So in such cases a person gets very frustrated,
especially those mothers whose husbands do not offer any share in upbringing of the children or in her domestic chores
Therefore sometimes situations turn very serious
In such situations, people around should try to cooperate by helping her
and keep giving good advice and should encourage gentleness and mercy in dealing with each other.
Such are the ones who turn difficulties of life into easiness and there is easiness for them even on the day of judgement.
In the same way, sometimes there are quarrels between husband and wife and there is a pause in communication
or a situation arises between the mother in law and daughter in law or dispute occurs between other members of family
Even in that situation, the rest of the people should be active in causing reconciliation between them
and not be of those who increase the intensity of quarrels
Abu Darda (Allah be pleased with him) narrates that the Prophet (peace be upon him) said,
“Should I not inform you about a deed better than worship, fasting and charity?"
The companions requested, “Why not"?
# He said, “To restore good relations between yourselves"
This means to end disputes
Whereas causing disputes among people harms the religion,
which means wherever there are internal disputes and quarrels, there is no religion
Therefore a marriage can be successful only when
all the members of both the families along with relatives, friends and people around them
remain well wishers and protect themselves from mutual quarrels
And if any situation arises they should be concerned about reconciling and promote harmony between the quarrelers
and not be concerned about breaking them
For betterment, corrections and restoring of relations between a husband and wife
# one is also allowed to lie ( Fareed, check translation) to bring a reconciliation between them
The Prophet (peace be upon him) has given a liberty
to speak a lie in order to cause a reconciliation.
It is also worth knowing that many relations
have important duties attached to them.
For example, the duty of a mother
is not to instigate her daughter against her husband saying that, “If your husband passes one remark you should retaliate with two"
Or defy him in such and such way in so and so matters.
Instead of such advice's, the daughter should be encouraged to be humble, gentle and show good behavior
This is to avoid quarrels and disputes and get one's self corrected
We come to know that when an accusation was laid upon Aisha (Allah be pleased with her) she went to her parents' house
And when she discussed about her problem with her parents, especially with her mother,
her mother did not give much importance to the matter
Aisha (Allah be pleased with her) asked her mother if her father (Abu Bakr) knew about the whole matter
her mother replied affirmatively
At that time Abu Bakr (Allah be pleased with him) was in the upper chamber of the house, reciting the Qur'an
He did not rushed down, leaving all his work, upon the arrival of his daughter who was discussing her issue
Every person was occupied in his or her own work,
not only her parents but the entire society was busy in their work
Except those few people who spread this malice, the rest of the people
were neither backbiting anyone nor discussing with anyone. Nobody was spreading this rumor.
Aisha (Please be upon him) said that she found that her mother was not affected by the propaganda about her daughter
Even though the matter was very serious and grieving yet her father Abu Bakr did not show any behavior
which could be like a mourning session, leaving aside all other work.
In the same way, it is the duty of the parents that they teach their daughter to be grateful towards her husband and in laws.
Aisha (Allah be pleased with her) said, “When the verses that testified about my innocence were revealed
my mother told me to go and thank the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him)
I said, By Allah I will not go and stand before him to thank but rather I will thank only Allah"
In the same way the role of the father is also very important.
In this context we see that the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) had some issues with his wife Hafsa (Allah be pleased with her)
So her father Umar bin al Khattab (Allah be pleased with him)
came to her and instructed her, “O my Daughter! Do not be too much demanding before the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him)
nor give any back replies to him nor stop talking to him. If you need anything ask from me"
We see how Umar (Allah be pleased with him) is advising his daughter asking her not to harass her husband
and if she needed anything he offered his help
But what happens with us? Some parents do help their daughters but while doing so they malign her husband
too and keep on reminding their obligations but
The attitude shown by Umar (Allah be pleased with him) is a beautiful attitude
when he advises his daughter in a beautiful way.
Along with this he even cautions his daughter,
“If you displease the Messenger of Allah you may make Allah angry"
Umar (Allah be pleased with him) says,“One day I was thinking about something when my wife advised me
to handle it in such and such way (His wife was advising him in some matters)
Umar told her, “What have you to do with this matter? Why are you interfering?"
Such types of discussion do take place between husband and a wife
Umar says that his wife replied, “O son of Khattab!
I am amazed at your response that you cannot even tolerate a reply to your conversations!
(I am telling you something and you are not able to tolerate)
Your daughter Hafsa gives a back reply even to the Messenger of Allah (pease be upon him)
One day she even made him angry
Upon hearing this, Umar (Allah be pleased with him) got up
and wrapped up his sheet and reached his daughter's house
And told her,“O My daughter! Do you give back replies to the Messenger of Allah?
And have you even displeased the Prophet (peace be upon him) once?"
Hafsa replied, “By Allah we do give back replies at times and get upset too"
Umar responded, “Be informed that I am cautioning you about the punishment of Allah and the punishment of the Messenger"
I am cautioning you about misbehaving with your husband
Note how beautifully a father instructs his daughter to respect her husband
and not to be upset with her husband and not to be too demanding with him.
If our families practice in such a responsible manner
then how many homes can be saved from being broken!
In the same way we see the attitude of Abu Bakr (Allah be pleased with him) in the matter of Aisha (Allah be pleased with her)
when he comes to her and sees that her voice was raised when she spoke to her husband, so he says,
“O daughter of Umme Ruman! Do you raise your voice in the presence of the Messenger of Allah? (You speak so loudly before your husband?)
At that time the Prophet (peace be upon him) came in between Abu Bakr and Aisha (Allah be pleased with both of them)
and told to Abu Bakr, “You may go"
So as he left, Aisha stood and watched him.
In order to make her happy, the Prophet (peace be upon him) said, “Did you see I came in between you both?"
Abu Bakr came back again and requested a permission to enter.\NHe saw that the Prophet (peace be upon him) was making Aisha happy.
He permitted him to enter. Abu Bakr entered
and said, “O Messenger of Allah, involve me too in your reconciliation as you involved me in your quarrel"
Thus we come to know from this, how the companions of the Prophet (peace be upon him)
spoke truth and explained whatever was needed to be explained to keep their families happy
In the same way the role of the mother in law is also very important.
The Prophet (peace be upon him) said, “A Believer is loving and is loved.
A person who does not love nor is loved has no goodness in him.
The best among the people is the one who provides maximum benefit to them"
Thus we see that a mother in law should give love
and should do such deeds that she can get love in return
Being an elder she should initiate
In the same way even daughter in law too should acknowledge gratefully the love offered to her and should not take it for granted
And should not adopt any behavior that would make the other person upset and take back his loving attitude
The rule of such love is that the mother should not instigate his son against his wife
Sometimes there are some small rows between a mother and her daughter in law
and when the son returns homes he is presented with all the complains about his wife.
This puts his mood off and he gets displeased with his wife and in return the wife is gets upset with her husband
and with her mother in law too and thus the dispute is stretched
In this regard, Abdullah bin Buraidah narrates from his father,
“The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) said, “Whoever swears upon a trust is not from us
and whoever corrupts a person's wife or his servant against him is also not from us"
It is a grievous sin upon a person to spoil relations between a husband and a wife by the means of complains.
This can cause a person's own good deeds go in vain and is extremely a displeasing act
The Prophet (peace be upon him) has even forbade to such backbiting
One must protect one's self from such conversations that cause hatred between two people
Things that incite quarrels, disputes and fights between people (are forbidden)
In the same way even the father in law has a very important role to play
and it is obligatory upon him that he shows concern about the well-being of his daughter in law
as we find it in the example of Prophet Ibrahim (peace be upon him)
How he comes all the way to inquire about the well-being of the household of Ismail (peace be upon him)
His son was not at home so he asks his wife about her life and conditions
and she informs him that her life is very happy and blessed and she appreciates her husband too
Ibrahim (peace be upon him) asked her as to what do they eat and she replied that they eat meat
He asked her what do they drink and she replied that they drink water
Then Ibrahim (peace be upon him) prayed for them, “O Allah! Put blessings in their meat and water"
And as he was leaving, Ibrahim (peace be upon him) advised her to tell her husband when he returns,
“Keep the threshold of your door"
This shows how caring was Ibrahim (peace be upon him) towards his family
He even came once before that and the girl was nagging so he kept a message
for his son through her asking him to change the threshold of his door
It was an indication to send the girl back to her home because that lady was not fit for the future generation of Ismail
In the same way there is a narration from Abdullah bin Amr bin al Aas
that his father used to inquire from his wife as to how his son treated her.
“How does he deal with you?"
And when he found that his treatment was not fair, he complained to the Prophet (peace be upon him)
and then the Prophet (peace be upon him) explained him that he should fast one day and skip the other day.
And also that he should finish the Qur'an in seven days
In the same way at times there can be a complaint from the son in law too
There are instances where a son in law complains about his wife to his father in law
So in such cases there should build a trust and confidence
so that the son in law can pour out his heart and share his household issues with you
and take you as his own parents and take advice from you
We find an example from the narration of Aisha (Allah be pleased with her) that the Prophet (peace be upon him)
spoke something about her to her father (he complained about her)
But he did not know that in the matter of Aisha, Abu Bakr would do something unusual
The moment Abu Bakr (Allah be pleased with him) heard about his daughter he raised his hand
The Prophet (peace be upon him) then said
that he would never complain to him about her again
Because Abu Bakr was very sensitive about the (respect of) the Prophet
Similarly there is a narration where Aisha and the other wives of the Prophet (peace be upon him)
demanded and increase in their expenses
When Abu Bakr and Umar (Allah be pleased with both) came to know about it,
both of them made their daughters understand
Sometimes it also happens that a person has some complains about his son in law
or there arises a dispute between one's daughter and her husband
Even in those circumstances a person should deal it with equality and justice and try to patch up between the two
Once the Prophet (peace be upon him) went to the house of Fatimah (Allah be pleased with her)
and found that Ali (Allah be pleased with him) was not at home
So he asked her, “Where is the son of your uncle?"
She replied, “There was a quarrel between us and he got upset with me and went out and did not even take an afternoon nap at home"
So the Prophet (peace be upon him) delegated somebody to look for Ali and find out where is he (Allah be pleased with him)
He came to know that he was resting in the Masjid.
So the Prophet (Peace be upon him) reached the Masjid where Ali (Allah be pleased with him) was lying down and resting
The bed sheet had slipped off and there was some dust on his body
The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) went ahead and started to clean off the dust
and kept saying, “Get up O Abu Turab, Get up O Abu Turab"
Since then, he was known as Abu Turab, which means one who has sand scattered on his body and it became his Kunniyat
In the same way even family-friends also play an important role in establishing happiness at home
Sometimes a person heeds to the advice of friends and destroys his home and sometimes
a person heeds to the advice's of friends and saves his home from being destroyed
And friends do have a very important position in our lives
therefore we must be good friends with someone and should not turn friendship into enmity
by giving any sort of wrong advice
So these are few words which give us guidance from the Qur'an and Sunnah
that show what the duties of people are around are in bringing up a strong family and establishment of a good family
May Allah reward you with goodness
We get many cases through which we come to know that
the husband and the wife live together united and happily and they run their house properly as well and they want to continue that way but
There is someone in their relations who has a very negative thinking pattern and plays a negative role too.
So how do we protect ourselves from such people? How do we save our system?
Allah has given intelligence to human beings and they realize who are his friends or enemies
and a person should see that if there is anyone whose words causes
wrong feelings about the spouses in hearts
Then conversations as well as the company with such people should be avoided carefully
And secondly, a believer will always seek Allah's help in all his matters
through supplications of safety and various Adhkars of morning and evening is also very essential
Because Shaytan is constantly trying to cause dissention in domestic matters
and creates disputes between husband-wife
And gives rise to restlessness and disharmony because
if the unit of the house meets destruction then evil is easy to spread in the society
Therefore in such matters a person needs to be very careful
and whenever he is listening to someone, he should not take it as it is but analyze it, understand it and seek Allah's help
It is seen commonly that whenever there is a newly wedded couple,
many people around them feel curious and the biggest question raised up is “How the bride?"
When the bride visits her mother's house, people gather around her and ask, “Tell us how are your in-laws?"
And they go deep into investigating to discover about the attitudes and behavior of different people of in-laws
What are the evil outcomes of these things?
In these matters, a person should be very careful
and should not highlight and be loud about the happiness and other blessings but be balanced
In the same way, if there are any shortcomings in your in-laws it should also not be discussed,
rather wait till things settled down
It is normal that people do get curious
but we have to set an intelligent example by talking only those things which are necessary
And we should all make it a point
that instead of taking a lot of interest in other people's life
and instead of digging out information of others it is better to mind our own business.
One more thing, when a girl confides with her mother and tells her not to share it with others
but the mother shares with her sister and tells her not to share with other
and I have seen that such chain grows long and everyone comes to know about it
Thus what happens is that, the other person's house is exposed
where everyone keeps sharing but tells others not to share it further
Then everyone tells only to one person but it spreads everywhere
The fact is that when a person cannot control his own self in preserving a word,
how it can be expected from others to keep it secret that thing which he himself could not protect it
Thus it is like hitting axe on one's own feet that though you understand that a particular word should not reach to other
yet you shared it. She should have controlled it right from the first stage.
Yes this can lead to an increase of lots of evil
I was thinking about what Yasmeen was saying and it is very beneficial
In the beginning when the relations are established and we introduce the bride or the mother in law, we do it with a very respectful way saying,
"Mashallah she is the our daughter in law" or “Mashallah she is my mother in law"
But the moment the marriage takes place it appears as if there is an opposition party which is invading
and this attitude is very dangerous
I would like to ask you that at times there are certain relatives
who have been treating you so badly
and then when you are staying with them they interact with you a lot
and you are trying a lot to forgive them
But you do not get any good feelings for them in your heart
and there are many who ask such questions as to what should they do about such people and such situations?
Though we do not think evil about them but we find it hard to adapt because of the wounds they have caused to us
The person should not think too much about such matters because whatever has happened has happened
It is better you think about something better and if the matter does not go out of your heart then let it be
but do not allow it to grow and do not allow it to dominate you
And leave the matter to Allah and in future always be careful
even if you need their help, there are also others who are good so better approach someone else
Many a times it happens that a compromise is done with the daughter in law but her family is not liked
and if her brother or sister visit then as they say eyes don't meet pleasingly
But it is obvious that the girl is attached to her family
and if she wants to visit her family then there are restrictions put up upon her
then these things cause more difficulties
In any matter, if a person puts upon himself the rule that whatever I like for myself, I should also like for others too
then many disliked things can be tolerated
But when we turn very selfish
and prefer to see everything as per our choice, our likes and our wish,
then goodness cannot be achieved
If we cannot respect someone else's parents then
how can we expect others to respect our household members?
This is because if a person wants to achieve something from someone, first he must achieve it himself
As we see in our society, girls and boys are very liberal and freely mixing, they interact freely even before marriage
and develops love but then it also happens that you loved someone but could not marry
But now you got married elsewhere and you could not set your relations so smoothly
and then the in spite of having wife, these men start communicating with the first girl and develop friendship
This spoils relations with wife and he finds her very bad in taste now,
such women inquire as to what they should do in such cases when their husbands are interacting with lots of girls outside
So how do they maintain their relations and save it?
In such cases, women should ignore husband's weakness and try to win his heart with good conduct because
Taunting for such things, or spying or harassing
will not solve the problem but the person should wait patiently and deal gently
making her behavior so good that the other person will turn away from her and gets inclined towards you
There is a very common phrase heard frequently, when women sit together,
specially ladies of our age recalling their days as daughter in laws and claiming that their mother in laws were more strict than them
They say, “First we got grinded by our mother in laws and now we are getting grinded by our daughter in laws"
In other words, “We are very nice but we are not getting as much respect in return"
In such cases you are discouraging the newly wedded bride right in the first phase itself
and this causes a rift between them
Actually people should not make such types of comparison
Every situation is different; if you are obliging someone then you are losing your reward by reminders
Secondly, it is all about time, sometimes you are in a position to give and sometimes you are in a position to take
Sometimes someone is taking from you and sometimes someone is giving you
so in such situation just by pinpointing such incidents,
a person just keeps on talking about them, then it is a time-waste with nothing to be achieved
There is an increase in the number of divorces in our society
on the other hand there are girls who have crossed the age of marriage but unable to find a match
And many a times we see that they are good people but it is only the society that does not accept them saying that “This is a divorced girl"
or “This girl is too old"
How can we change such mindset
and how can we cooperate with such people who want to start their family life
I feel that every human being should be taken as a human being
and should not be rejected just because she had a tragic incident in her life
We must always see how suitable is the person with whom you are trying to build a relation;
we must ignore many other factors and put our trust in Allah
Being a widow or divorce or a victim of an accident is not a contagious disease
that will affect you, rather we should have sympathy towards such people
so that their past wounds get healed
It is seen that if there is a boy whose first wife has died and if he has children
Now if he is willing to remarry then he does not find a girl easily because
the new wife is not willing to bring up the kids and does not accept role of giving affection to the children of previous wife
So what do you say about such kids
And moreover their age is also such that they make a good match
but yet she does not have those emotions of bringing up the previous wife's children
If a person sees from this perspective that whoever removes the difficulties of someone, then Allah will remove his difficulties
and whoever eases someone's tasks then Allah will ease his tasks in this life and hereafter
Thus if a person place hereafter as a priority before him, then even the hardest of difficulties will turn easy for him
And the person should think if it is better for her to remain alone or be with people whom she can groom
into good and make their life worth living and make it constructive and get involved in a productive life
She can also earn a huge reward through this and leave behind her a continuous charity
by arranging the education and proper upbringing of those children
One question pops up in my mind
When someone gets married, for example in a family there are three to four brothers
and only one of them has got married but now there is a competition under the pressure of others
That if the wife of the elder brother is like this so the wife of the younger brother should also be similar
and the next bride should also be similar
And there is an environment around, built up by the pressure of the people around when every person comes to you
and reminds you the steps of the marriage
and ask you that why is your second bride not similar to the elder one
How should we change the mindset of people about this?\NMany families make wrong decisions due the to pressure
In reality one should not give too much importance to what people say
because you cannot lock anyone's tongue and people keep on giving their views and analysis
Rather you must see what suits your need,
and which decision is better for you
and a person should do whatever he finds good
At times the age of girls passes on and the parents are not even requesting
others to help them find a suitable boy for their daughter
and many a times it is seen that they claim that it is against their family traditions to ask help for their daughter's marriage
What does our deen say about this? Kindly tell us should not the girl's parents take help?
There is nothing objectionable from the religious point of view but our culture does not accommodate it
and in such case a person can seek the help of others
In the good old days, the entire family used to take interest in the marriage of a widow or divorced lady concerned about settling them
Therefore I feel that because our family institution is failing
where every individual is only concerned about his own self
In such cases, every person should stand up and try to do whatever he can for others
As we have talked on so many different topics, may we have a final advice from you
for those couple who are getting married so that they may think how should they maintain their relations?
Enter into this relation with a firm intention of establishing a home
and fear Allah in every matter
because a pious life can only be a successful life and take care of each other rights
And instead of focusing on taking rather focus on giving because one who gives will never be deprived
but he will always get
May Allah reward you both with goodness
Viewers! Whenever the topic of our marriage arrive we have to remember one thing
Every person carries a flowery picture in his mind hoping to get a huge gift box
and when we open that gift box with a hope that we will be receiving love, affection, happiness and many other blissful things
But what is the reality? When a marriage takes place you do get a gift box
but it is empty and we have to fill it,
How do we fill it?
Each one of us has to fill it with love, affection, care, compassion,
patience and save it from all negative things
The more positive emotions we put in we will have more happiness arriving in our homes
And one more thing to be remembered
If we pick up more than our share from it then the box will start get empty
so fulfill your duties
Peace be upon you and the mercy of Allaah and His blessings