an see that our entire temperament changes
Which means that the same issue that is before us, appears to be very good and it becomes easy to be handled
It does not remain difficult for us to sort out that issue
We see that this issue is discussed everywhere in the world, Gratitude and InGratitude
Everywhere it is discussed that if you possess gratitude in your attitude
then you will remain in good condition and you will be happy
You will be content even with little amount of things you possess unlike you are when you have ingratitude in you
Even in a marriage life, gratitude has a very important role to play
And we will understand it today
With me is Dr. Farhat Hashmi, Peace be upon you and the mercy of Allaah and His blessings
Onto you Peace and the mercy of Allaah and His blessings
Similarly we have Sr. Yasmeen as well, my companion
Peace be upon you and the mercy of Allaah and His blessings\NOnto you Peace and the mercy of Allaah and His blessings
Dr. please inform us today about the importance of gratitude
And how can we bring it into the system of a marriage life
We Praise Allah and send Darood upon the Noble Prophet\NAfter that
We seek refuge in Allah from Shaytan the accursed\NWe begin with the name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful
"My Lord, expand for me my breast And ease for me my task\NAnd untie the knot from my tongue\NThat they may understand my speech”
Gratefulness
For a successful life, one of the golden rule is to be grateful
Whoever is grateful will find blessings available everywhere around him
And then he is content and satisfied with whatever he gets
The Arabic explanation of the term gratitude is
To be happy even with little amount of things
As they say in Arabic
(Arabic)
An animal which consumes less hay but gives more milk
His sight should not be on receiving but giving
He is happy with whatever he has got, more or less
Even if we see in our day to day life, we realize how much we receive
If we try to count the blessings of Allah never will be able to count them
Allah Almighty Himself declares that
(Arabic Verse)
If you try to count the blessings of Allah, never will you be able to count
If a person just focuses on what he has received then he will be a grateful person
And gratefulness is in the contentment of heart and gladness of heart, and he has a sense of achievement
And also in the same way, appreciating the Blessings with his tongue in form of declaration and reminders of those Blessings
And his deeds too should be acts of gratefulness for the one who has bestowed him those Blessings, i.e. Allah Almighty
And also his emotions should be very positive towards those whom Allah appointed as a sources for His blessings
He should think positive about them, and be gentle towards them, he should show love towards them and maintain good relations with them as well
All these things include gratefulness
A person who identifies and values the Blessings and utilizes the Blessings at right place
And a person whose eyes cannot see the Blessings
And never a good word comes out from his mouth
And never did his attitude show any gratefulness, then these are two contradicting personality traits
The first trait is of a happy person, a successful person
And the second one is of a bad tempered and unsuccessful person
Gratefulness is not about how wealthy a person is, or the number of Blessings a person has
Rather it is connected with the fact that even if he possesses little amount of Blessings yet he cherishes it and does not forget it
Allah promised that
If you will be grateful then He will surely give more
It means that if a person is happy with the Blessings of Allah and cares for it then his being content will keep that Blessings secured and a reason for its increase
For example if a person eats a morsel and says Alhamdulillah or drinks a sip of water and says Alhamdulillah \NThen actually He is pleasing Allah Almighty
The words that comes out of our mouth for being grateful is Alhamdulillah
And saying Alhamdulillah once, fills the scale of balance (on the day of Qiyamah), thus making it very heavy in terms of rewards
When a person shows gratefulness for the Blessings of Allah
Then even for small things he becomes grateful even towards people and on the other hand he is grateful to Allah too
If he has received any help from any person or any type of contribution that give one a feeling of happiness or any sort of help
It can be any form, but the beneficiary should not take for granted that it was his due right to get those benefits but
But he should rather, correct his attitude towards the person and be happy with his help and it is part of worship
As Allah Almighty declares in the Qur'an
(Arabic Verse)
O you who have believed! \NEat from those good things that we have provided you and be grateful to Allah if it is He whom you worship
This means that if you are worshiping Allah then you have to be grateful towards all those things that you have received from Allah
Specially a marital life is a huge Blessings from Allah
On one hand a person passes his life alone and on the other hand he passes his life in the company of others
Keeping Affection and Feelings for each other
Then for a person, such worldly life also turns out to be a very blissful life
The person shares his sorrow, pain and happiness with each other
And becomes a garment for each other, they understand each others pain and shows concerns towards each others pain
And if a person learns this attitude the attitude of generosity
Then see how he himself turns out to be a Blessing for others and a source for happiness for others
And in return if the other person acknowledge his gesture of generosity and values the other person as a Blessing for him
And not take him or her as a liability or a burden upon him, then this makes the life very delightful
In this regard it should be remembered that the Prophet (peace be upon him) urged specially to the women that
They should adopt the attitude of gratefulness because a lot of ungratefulness is found among them
The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) declared, “O gathering of women! Do charity because I have seen a majority of you in the hell fire”
So they asked, “O Messenger of Allah! Why is it so?”
He replied “You people nag a lot and show ungratefulness towards husband”
Thus being ungrateful towards husband is such a sin whose punishment has been informed and it is not a minor issue
Then what is being ungrateful towards husband?
It is seen when a woman does not show pleasure no matter whatever her husband does for her
Neither she gives any importance to his attitude nor in the things that he has provided
Like a shelter to stay, or kids that Allah has given her through him
Or a protection that is provided to a woman through her husband
And when a woman does not value such things and considers them to be of trifle importance
Then it is a huge sign of ungratefulness and the Prophet (Peace be upon him) himself has clarified this by saying
That from amongst you is one who is lives in her parents' home for a long time and then Allah bestows her a husband and from him she gets kids
And if she is upset over any issue then she declares that, “I have never seen anything pleasant from you”
That means, all the Blessings, all the obligations, everything gets rejected in one stroke of statement
Therefore, if a person is ungrateful towards the fellow human beings then he cannot be grateful towards Allah as well
The Messenger of Allah proclaimed
(Arabic Hadith)
Whoever is not grateful to people cannot be grateful to Allah
It means that being grateful to Allah is part of worship
And worship cannot be accomplished until the person has gratefulness in him
Thus nobody can be grateful till he is grateful towards his fellow human
Because when people provide happiness, at times they even cause pain too
But in such circumstances just recalling pain caused by them and remembering the weaknesses of others and just remember the hardships caused by others
But whatever goodness, has been received from others are ignored
and presenting a bad charactered attitude in behaviour is actually ungratefulness
So it is essential for a person who desires that his worldly life becomes happier and also the life hereafter as well
Then in that case they should develop an attitude of gratefulness
Gratefulness is an attitude and not merely a bunch of words utter from mouth nor a few actions but, it is a lifestyle
A way of life, that a grateful person will meet others with humbleness and be gentle, value them, and will never forget their obligations
That is why the Prophet (peace be upon him) has counted a grateful wife as the biggest provision of life
This is because she will identify her husband's rights and care for the blessings
Whatever good things she gets home in form of family, children, she will reflect gratefulness
And this is an attitude because the Prophet (peace be upon him) has said
Whoever does not be grateful for a lesser thing cannot be grateful towards larger things
(Arabic Hadith)
And whoever does not be grateful towards people, is grateful towards Allah as well”
The Prophet (peace be upon him) has also said
Acknowledging and proclaiming the Blessings of Allah itself is gratefulness and ignoring them is ungratefulness
It is also mentioned in the Qur'an, “So proclaim the Blessings of Allah” display the Blessings of Allah, discuss about it
It should not be just a casual remark but declared properly by words that Allah has gifted me with such and such Blessings
And we also see in the examples of the Prophet (peace be upon him) that he used to prostrated before Allah upon hearing any good news
Thus he acted gratefulness
Let us take an introspection of our own lives, as to how many times did we prostrate to Allah just to show gratefulness
Rarely can we recall about such incidents when we had prostrated to Allah to thank him
Thus the gestures of thanking are also essential to be shown
Gratefulness is not only during good times but a Believer remains grateful under every condition
Whether the situation is good or bad
The Prophet (Peace be upon him) used to offer thanks to Allah even if he underwent any grief or difficulty
It is very astonishing when we learn from a narration that he used to say “Thanks to Allah under every circumstance”
Why? One might be prompted to think that how come someone thank Allah under difficult situations
Yes, it could have been possible that the grief or the difficulty could have been more severe
It also happens at times that one hardship makes a person conscious and he adapts some ways to avoid bigger hardships and becomes cautious
So at times life appears happy and at times difficult
Allah has announced in the Qur'an
We shall certainly test you with fear, loss in life, wealth and fruits, hunger and give glad tidings to those who bear with patience
Whenever a calamity befalls upon them, they say, “Indeed we are from Allah and to Allah we shall return”
Such are the ones upon whom the Mercy and Favours of Allah descend
And these are the ones who are upon guidance
Because hardships will appear in life. Why do they appear?
So that the attitude of a person is seen whether he is grateful or ungrateful
So the fact is that, whoever keeps an eye of current Blessings
Specially he remembers the obligations of the people in his house
A wife remembers the obligations of her husband
A husband notices the virtuous qualities of his wife
Then in such a situation the pain and the grief of a person gets reduced
But on the other hand, if a person does not do this, then it must not be forgotten that
The life of this world will pass through hardships, the displeasure of Allah also comes
It is mentioned in Silsila e Sahiha that Allah does not even look at that woman
Who does not show gratitude towards her husband though she cannot be independent from him
A woman always need the support, the protection and the companionship of her husband
But if she does not value it then Allah will not be pleased with her
In the example of Hajrah, we find an excellent example of a wife
When we study that Ibrahim (peace be upon him) left her in a valley where there was no food and water
Nor was there any human being or any life sustaining facility
Which means that there was no chance of even fulfilling basic necessities of life but
When he left her and moved ahead, every time he looked back she was pursuing him asking him, “On whose support are you leaving us”?
Why are you leaving us here alone?
When Ibrahim (peace be upon him) did not reply anything, Hajrah herself asked him
“Has Allah commanded you to do this?”
He replied, “Yes Allah has commanded to do this.”
She responded, “In that case, Allah will never discard us” which means that she trusted the promises of Allah
She was a grateful lady and notice how Allah rewarded her son Ismail (peace be upon him) by choosing him for his Deen
Who was so devout and obedient that when his father Ibrahim (peace be upon him) visited him after a long period
And tells him, “O my son! I have seen a dream that I am slaughtering you”
The boy replied, “O My Father! Do whatever you are commanded”
He knew that the command was from Allah and he got ready for being slaughtered
From where did such goodness and obedience come in the child?
It was through proper grooming of his mother and she herself possessed such qualities
She herself was grateful to Allah
I don't know about any other woman who had undergone such hardship in upbringing her child the way Hajrah underwent
But yet there could be hardly any obedient and devout child like Ismail (peace be upon him) was
Later on Ismail, when he grows up gets married
And one day Ibrahim (peace be upon him) visits him again after a long time, at that time Ismail (peace be upon him) was not at home
He asked his daughter in law how was life running
She gave a negative remark about life and complained so Ibrahim (peace be upon him) told her
To convey her husband to change the threshold of his house
When Ismail (peace be upon him) returned home from hunting
His wife informed him about the arrival of an elderly man who suggested to tell her husband that he should change the threshold of his house
He replied, “It was my father who had visited and he has conveyed me that I should send you back to your parent's house”
What was the basic reason? She was ungrateful to her husband
Then Ismail (peace be upon him) married again and Ibrahim (peace be upon him) visited him once again
He inquired about her conditions and how her life was passing
She replied affirmatively thanking Allah for the Blessings that she was bestowed with
So Ibrahim (peace be upon him) returned after advising to keep the threshold of his house intact
Thus we saw two women of different character and different attitudes and their end result to was different
The reality remains that gratefulness is not to be observed only when one is blessed with lots of richness but
Gratefulness should also reflect even when the person has very little provision as we find in the life of the Prophet (peace be upon him)
Aisha (Allah be pleased with her) reported that days were passed when we did not have anything to cook in our homes
In spite of having very little provision yet Aisha (Allah be pleased with her) was entirely happy with her husband
And supported him during every difficulty and hardship
In the same way it is reported about Asma bin Abu Bakr (Allah be pleased with them both)
That when Zubair bin Awwam (Allah be pleased with him) married her he did not have wealth nor property nor any servant
Except camels and horses to pull water from the well
Asma used to graze the horse of Zubair and water them, repair the bucket
But she did not know how to bake chapatis so her Ansari companions used to bake for her and she used to appreciate them
From this we come to know that the sahabiyat passed their life with content even within very little provision
They were grateful to their husbands and maintained goodness with them
Avoiding misusing of Blessings is also included as a part of being grateful
For example, do not blow away the wealth of your husband,
What are the reasons for fights and disputes in homes, at times?
During financial crises, when (financial) expectations grow higher
For example in our times the trends of dressing up with branded clothes, shoes and purses too are preferred to be branded
Thus it happens that wives urge their husbands to earn even through illegal ways
Get by hook or by crook but fulfil our demands
So a person may get temporary happiness through these ways but cannot achieve real happiness
Therefore, it is essential that we understand gratefulness and make it a way of our lives
We must be grateful to Allah and people as well so that so that our lives may be full of bliss because this is an excellent rule for a successful life
May Allah reward you with goodness
There is a very common question that pops up
Some women say that they have been grateful in large extent and with lots of patience
They have been taking along the domestic issues
But we undergo so much of traumatic experiences like domestic violence face such a bad attitude that they claim
To have become a mental patient so please tell us now how to be grateful in such situations
And when we reason with them they say “You cannot understand my plight which has reached to such an extreme
So how do we guide them in such cases and persuade them that they still have to remain grateful?”
There is no doubt that at times situation gets very tough, as I gave the example of Aisha, how at times three months used to pass without cooking
I don't think if there are any homes in our place where such conditions prevail, yet how did Aisha (Allah be pleased with her) managed to be grateful
Alhamdulillah there was water, dates at least something to eat
We may claim to be grateful and patient but in reality it is not the case
At times it happens that there are blessings around but we do not see them
And atrocities also do happen but I don't say that a lady should keep on tolerating atrocity without any reasons
But just keeping on nagging or putting complains before people every now and then and sharing your stories of grief will not solve the problems
There can be different ways to be adopted to solve them
She can involve people who can end up such atrocities and people who can give her right suggestions
Because every case is different so a general rule cannot be applied on every case
But different ways can be approached, so that the person can escape such crises
Many a times women do complain that her husband beats her and gets extreme with her but we don't think after all why does it happen?
What is the reason behind it? Was it you who provoked him?
Or is there a burden upon his or any other hardship that causes him to express his frustration in this manner?
So the issue should be understood well before solution can be applied
I understand from your words that at times there is a victim mentality which appears delicious thinking that
There was a drama on TV and there is a drama in my life and it is also an award winning that
I keep telling my story to everyone and people are sympathising with me and wondering how many issues are there in my life whose solutions are not available to me
I am also of the opinion that women are victims of self pity
And whenever she is in a gathering she starts discussing about her domestic matters and feels happy to get sympathies from others
But narrating your issues everywhere will not lead to a solution
But I feel that she should go through the list of things of which she can be grateful
So it could be that the person should think in every such situation that it could have been worse
So she should look for opportunities to be grateful
If we analyse it, we discover that whenever we give an emotional shape to any issue
And try to find a solution by just making noise that will also not cause a solve the issues
Plus, the more we inform people about our issues the more it gets worse
Because different types of solutions are received and many of them are even conflicting
Which throw us into more confusion
Sometimes we get cases where the marriage has taken place but the husband
Says he does not find any attraction in his wife even if she is good and though I do not see anything in her which is apparently wrong
Thus when such attitudes come from males then this too is an attitude of ungratefulness, what do you have to say about it?
The fact is that there is so much tribulation around one starts comparing his homely Blessings (wife) with those women who are outside and on billboards
And then they think that his wife does not fit into that size and that parameter
While they overlook how good she serves him or
She is delivering kids and grooming them and looks after his old parents
And sometimes she is even given the responsibilities of earning too
Sometimes the wife even passes through a physical ailment too and if keeping asides all these deeds if a man just out of selfish desires prefers to see his own happiness and
And now we have specific parameters for attractions so if you see the special trend of the world
That even if you possess the most beautiful things in the world, yet after a few days you will get saturated of it
Then one goes to look for some other things
As people say Better than Good
Yes, people will go and pursue for something better, but will it solve the issue?
One day even a good thing turns into bad, therefore a person should always focus on akhera
The most excellent of quality and never ending pleasure will be found only in Jannah
But we search in this world which can never be received her
So it is also for the husbands to see that they focus on the good qualities of their wives
And overlook her faults and weakness as Allah Himself mentions in the Qur'an,
(Arabic Verse)
“You may dislike a thing and Allah may put a lot of goodness in it”
It happens so many times that we love a particular thing but it possesses things that can be harmful for us
And certain things which may dislike yet it may have lots of goodness for us
(Arabic Verse)
“You may love a thing but it may have sharr (evil) for you”
(Arabic Verse)
“It could be that you may dislike a thing and there may be huge goodness in it for you”
Allah knows more. Life is a test and not just entertainment
And life is also not meant to search for happiness because eternal happiness has been kept in Jannah by Allah
This life is meant for work and one should focus on his responsibilities
And enjoy whatever Blessings he has got and not to look for something better than it
Gratefulness is to be happy and satisfied with whatever a person has
We are being invaded by media through advertisements, commercials and materialism is promoted so widely
That if your table is full of dishes and you have a huge car and you have life's best luxury
And that is where you need to be grateful but then we need to handle materialism too if you desire to be a grateful person
In fact, we are becoming too much of “Seen off devotees” as we prefer things on its outward appearance
Actually such joy is temporary and it appears good only when it is a bit far from us
But when it comes closer to us then it comes along with a package of responsibilities as well
If you have a huge car then you also have along with it, the responsibility of maintaining the car as well besides other expenditure
And thus it is not only a joy
The real happiness comes to a person only when
He learns how to appreciate and value the Blessings that he has
When a marriage takes place it is quite obvious that the house is small in the beginning and sources are less
But when they see their parents' house which had more sources
Either they feel, while comparing, that they have lost those comforts
Or if they have a friend circle then they start to compare their lives
In this circumstance what will you suggest to young people?
People should know the situations in life are not always same
The way seasons keep changing as well day and nights too change
As Allah says in Qur'an
(Arabic Verse)
“Verily in the changes of day and night are signs “
In the same way the situation of life for every person does not remain same
For example, in the house of parents there would have been a lot of comfort for the girl but then she does not have that status which she enjoys at her husband's house
You did not have children as blessings at your mother's house the way you have got here
There are so many such blessings that you get at your husband's place which you do not get at your parent's place
Especially once a girl gets married and goes to her husband's house and when she returns back
she is like a guest without any such status, it is like a burden
Thus even if your own house has fewer number of blessings yet your house is your own house
That means she can turn a small house into Jannah if it has peace and tranquility if she is grateful
One more thing I was considering about our children that one particular phrase that is tied up in their minds tightly
For everything they say, ‘we are bored', which means no matter how much comfort we provide them
In terms of house, entertainment etc, yet after every fifteen minutes they put this slogan
Can you please guide parents as to how they can teach gratefulness to their children right from an early age?
If we ourselves are sunk in the love of worldly life
And search for new luxuries for ourselves
Then the same traits are transferred into our children, they too develop the same parameters of likes and dislikes in them
Thus the life of a person should be based upon certain ethics as well as certain values
That should be fixed up for them as well as for their children
One should not keep on pampering their children
Always trying to keep them happy because it is not the right way to show love towards them but rather it ends up in spoiling them
Thus their character remains such that they do not get pleased by anything and this remains a lifelong habit
They never get satisfied by anything
So if there is not satisfaction then how can their heart be filled with content?
And they turn their life into hell thus they should be taught to live life with morals and ethics
May Allah reward you with goodness and lots of thanks
So viewers! The fact is that there are many source of happiness available around us in our life and if can see them and adopt gratefulness upon having them
Some people have a glass in their hands and they say it is half full and the same glass appears half empty to some people
Therefore, we have to see what is our viewpoint
Because whatever we think and whatever we speak and whatever deeds we are performing
If it has a balanced approach and we focus on it only
Then we can be grateful and that will be bringing happiness in our lives
May Allah reward you with goodness\NPeace be upon you and the mercy of Allaah and His blessings